New StoryAmber Hawk Title not confirmed
by EvaGreene
Summary: With the death of her boyfriend, Amber is not the same anymore. Her friends have noticed and the trouble in her home just makes things worse, but when Landon Lake comes along, everything that Amber has missed out on comes back to her. Will she be better?


**_Prologue _**

Here I stand watching and waiting for something to happen. For him to wake up, to at least move so I would know he was okay, but he just lay there, still and motionless. I didn't want to cry, because I didn't want to feel like I was defeated. I still had hope, but will hope bring him back to life? The wound from where the gun shot him was deep and still bleeding. I held his hand the entire way to the hospital. Why did I sneak out? Why did I have to follow him? The pain was still present from where I got cut with the knife. It was gushing blood and the paramedic even now tried to convince me to wrap some gauze around it. I always ignored the request

The pain in my chest was excruciating. This was all my fault and it would never be okay. I would never be able to take it back. I will always be known for letting my boyfriend die. In my arms. I didn't want to think back to the party. I didn't want to think about the attack. I just wanted to forget the night all together. If wishes came true, this would be mine.

I was waiting in the waiting room. I was waiting for an answer to know if he was okay. Six hours had already passed. It was seven o'clock A.M. My mom had shown up about three hours ago. She had made me get my arm checked. She, my sister, and my dad sat with me and comforted me. I sat there just making out the patterns on the ceiling. His parents were also here and they seemed mad at me. They tried yelling, but Melissa, my older sister, took me away from them. She couldn't take seeing me like this. She offered taking me home so I could sleep, but I refused. I could still hear his voice from my window telling me it would be fun to get out.

"Come on Amber, live a little." He'd said. I'd hesitantly agreed and he'd driven me up to a house that looked like it had been abandoned for decades. The lights were on and there was music booming from every side.

I quickly moved away from that memory. The doctor was now talking to my dad. He had The Face on. You know the one where they feel sorry for you without actually meaning it. When they give you the bad news. I knew what had to be done. I could see Adam's mom crying in the corner and his dad's arms were around her. He glared at me. I sat there letting all of it sink in. What had I done? The last thing I'd told him was to leave me alone. I wanted to run away, so I could be alone. But wouldn't that mean I lost? That I was weak? That was not what I wanted. I would not cry for him. I would not have one moment in which I was weak.

**_Chapter 1_**

"Discrepancy."Cora asked. I answered glumly, "Divergence, difference, inconsistency." We were in my room reviewing some SAT words. It was summer vacation a year after Adam's death. Like I had vowed, I was not grieving. But a lot of my friends had noticed a difference in me. They said I was boring, too worried about school, always filling out college applications. Maybe I had changed, but it was a good change. I had a good job helping out my mom with her catering business, Melissa had married a great guy who is an architect, I seemed happy. What was wrong with that?

"Amber, can we go out? I've been stuck in your room since the beginning of summer, I'm bored." Cora was being loud like always. "Go on without me. I think I'm going to go for a run." She hated running so she just shuffled out of my room and left. I went in my closet, and changed into my running shorts and sports bra. My running shoes were downstairs. I had taken up track after Adam's tragic death. I still had a reminder from that day on my arm. The scar from the knife attack sometimes throbbed when I got nervous. I pulled my curly dark auburn hair into a ponytail and went downstairs. My mom was cooking for tonight; she had reminded me over and over to make sure I had no plans for tonight. I was one of her servers and some other people were too. I had befriended them last summer when they first applied. We had a lot of disasters so my mom had to take them all in, though we were still a couple servers short.

"I'm going for a run!" I yelled before I opened the door. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at me. I stepped outside and breathed in the fresh air. I took my iPod out of my pocket and turned it on. I turned on my timer and started running. The wind cooled my face as I ran. I could tell it was going to rain tonight, the smell warned me. But it wasn't going to be bad. I watched my feet move forward on the ground. It looked as if I was pulling the sidewalk back behind me. Since I wasn't looking ahead, I bumped into someone and fell backward. My butt had broken my fall. "Ouch." I looked up and saw a tall figure. Shirtless and also in running shorts. His brown hair was long and almost reached his shoulders. He bent down and outstretched his hand toward me. "Are you okay?" He asked. I didn't reach for his hand and stood up myself. I wiped the dirt off of myself. "Sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going." He apologized. I looked up at him and looking into his green eyes, I could see he meant it. These days no one meant what they said, but apparently he did. I answered in a monotone, "its okay," then ran off. I could feel his eyes heavy on my back. I know I was being rude, but I didn't want to get distracted.

He was a little attractive, but I wasn't interested.

I kept running until I reached the mile mark. I would have to call this one a 5:50. I was running a lot faster now. I checked my pulse then headed over to the gas station nearby to get some water. I walked into the store and then saw someone I recognized. She looked really familiar from the back. "Melissa?" I called out. She turned around and I was right. It was my sister. She smiled and then walked up to me. "Amber, how've you been? I have missed you so much." She bent down to hug me. I was a lot shorter than her. I was only five-foot four. Sad, but what can you do? "Melissa, how are you and Mike? You haven't been over in a while."

"Well he and I have been busy and I was actually going to drop by tonight to surprise you, but you beat me to it. Do you have a job tonight?" I nodded in answer to her question. She sighed and said, "Well I guess I could come over now. How's your running been going?"

"Great. I just ran a 5:50. You know how I'm doing speed." She squeezed my shoulder. "I think I'm going to go home, you need a ride?" I nodded and then said I was coming. I paid for the water then ran outside to meet Melissa. Her blonde hair was blowing in the small breeze that was now getting faster. She sat in the car once she saw me. When I got in I could hear the upbeat pop she was listening to. I turned it off and then she looked at me sideways. "I thought that was your favorite song?" She uttered. I shook my head then stated that I now listen to rock only. She raised her eyebrows and then started driving the mile back to our home.

While driving we talked about what we have been up to since we last saw each other. She had been working on interior design and Mike had repaired a boarding house from the 1850s. They were actually trying to have a baby now. I was happy for them and I really wanted to be an aunt.

When we walked through the door I called my mom. "Mom! Guess who's here?" I yelled in the direction of the kitchen. The double doors were both open. I walked in the kitchen and then saw Ebony there. She was wearing a short black skirt and a white button down shirt with knee-high boots. She was also one of the employees for my mom's company, Hawk Catering. Family name. "Ebony, what are you doing here?" I asked her. She looked a little busy. I could see her moving crates outside and into the van. "Well, I had to put out my cigarette and then move these crates into the van. You know you can help too. Remember, the party is for the Lakes'. Chicken picatta is the main dish. We serve shrimp for the appetizers and for desert there is tiramisu. Now help, please? Get the wine into the crates then carefully put them into the back." I set my water bottle on the island and went to get the wine out of the cabinet. I looked for the crates that said wine on them. "Ebony, where is the wine crate?" She pointed to the storage closet. I rummaged through it then found the crates. I quickly stuffed the wine in and handed them to Ebony. Melissa stood in the doorway watching us. She offered to help but we said no. We both know how much of a klutz she is. I could see Jason, another employee, coming out of the driver's side of the van. "Hey, Amber! Could you hand me the directions to the golf club. They're on the counter." I handed them to him and he went to Ebony to give her a quick 'secret' kiss. Yes they were together. I didn't like watching them during their secret moments. It made me think about the secret moments that I had with Adam. In the hallway between classes, under a tree, sometimes in a crowd. I sighed and put my hand to my chest to make sure the beats were steady. I could feel my arm throbbing.

My mom came back in the room and stopped when she saw Melissa. She smiled and then went to go give her a hug. They went off to the side to talk and then Jason and Ebony came up to me. "Hey Am! So what's the latest time?" Ebony asked. I sighed and told them my time. She gave me a high five and then played with her short spiky light brown hair. Jason's dirty blond hair was covering his eyes. He moved it away by doing The Flip. I had no idea what Ebony saw in this guy. He was annoying to the point where I want to punch him, he cared so much about his hair, and he just wouldn't stop asking me if I was okay when I grabbed my arm when it throbbed. I get it he cared, but if he always knew the answer, why did he always ask? "There's a party at Shelby, you want to come?" Jason questioned. I replied the usual way, "No, I have other plans. Maybe next time." They would ask me again. To be nice. Ever since that one night I would never go to parties. At school during lunch everyone would be talking about this huge party that went on last Saturday and I would be the only one that didn't go.

They would always understand. "It's okay Amber; you are probably traumatized after what happened last time." They would say. What would they know? They weren't the ones who first hand experienced the death of someone they loved.

"Amber, honey, go shower and then get ready. We have to leave." My mom told me. I did as she said and got ready. After the shower, my hair was still wet so I tied it up, then twisted it and clipped it up. I picked out my black pants and white button down shirt. I tucked it in and headed downstairs. "Ready!" I yelled. They were all waiting in the van. Melissa was staying home until we got back. I ran outside and got in the van. I sat beside Ebony and she was criticizing my hair. She hated it when I had my hair up; she said that the curls needed to breathe. "You'd be surprised at how sexy curls can look on someone. You would look amazing if I could just have you to myself for a couple of hours." I shook my head and looked out the window as we drove to our destination.

The golf club had iron rod gates so we couldn't get in without a code. Mom had to call the host to find out what it was. Once we got the codes we headed back to the kitchen. We unloaded the truck and Mom started getting the food ready. I poured the wine in the glasses and took them out to serve. Before we started serving we of course hoped that no disasters happened. It was highly unlikely, though. I made my rounds and I heard my name being called a couple of times, but turned around to see no one.

I kept walking and offering wine when there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Adam's parents. Oh shit. They were smiling, that was good right? "Amber, fancy seeing you here. How are you dear?" Asked Mrs. Greene. I tried to answer before my throat closed. "I'm helping my mom with catering. How've you been?" I tried to keep my voice leveled. "Oh, since our son's death? Pretty okay I guess. We came here to warn you that we only have one son left. If you even dare to talk to him, we will file a case against you for murder. Do you hear me? Stay away from him. I don't want to lose him to you too." With that she flipped her hair and with Mr. Greene, left. I could feel the stinging in my nose warning me that tears were about to spill any minute. I drew in a deep breath, composed myself and went back to work.

I turned around and saw someone familiar. Oh crap, it was the guy I had bumped into earlier today. I turned back around and headed to the kitchen. Ebony was taking the shells off of the shrimp and Jason was pouring some more wine in glasses and I joined him. Everybody in the kitchen looked at me. Their head was cocked to the side like I had something stuck in my teeth. "What?" I said. "Honey, your eyes are red. Have you been crying?" Mom asked. I shook my head and said, "No I just ran into the Greenes' outside. No big deal, I can handle it." With that said I picked up my tray and headed back to the party.

The atmosphere had changed a little bit. Something had gone wrong. I guess Victor was here. He, like my sister, was also very clumsy. I wandered over to where the dance floor was and sure enough, he was cleaning up a stain on the carpet. Luckily it was white wine. When he looked up and saw me he mouthed, "Sorry!" I sighed and went back to serving.

I felt like punching a wall right now. The Greenes' had no right to talk to me like that. I wasn't the person who shot their son. I was the one who held his hand on the way to the hospital, I was the one who loved him, and I was the one who tried to talk him out of sneaking out. If he'd have just listened to me, none of this would be happening right now. I wouldn't be blaming myself for everything that happened. We would have still been together. I didn't realize that my hand had been a fist until Ebony came up to me and put it back the way it was. She looked at me and nodded then moved on. I took a deep breath and served more wine.

Victor was now serving shrimp along with Ebony and I was serving wine along with Jason. He and I had the best balance. It was too bad that everyone I worked with went to Houston High. I was the only one that went to Collierville High. These friends were the only ones that understood my situation, but never once had I explained to them how it all happened. They just knew that Adam had died in my arms.

I walked around quietly and occasionally heard some gossip.

"No, he had an affair outside of marriage…"

"She got accepted into Harvard…"

"They're getting married at eighteen, that's too young…"

I constantly kept going in and out of the kitchen until dinner time. When the chicken picatta was served I had to man the bar. Sometimes these little kids would come up and ask for a Scotch on the Rocks. It was funny what parents were teaching their kids. I tried to be a good bartender and listen to people's problems. This one guy's wife left him for a guy he referred to as Fabio. Another lady, in her mid thirties, said her husband cheated on her with some Angelina Jolie look alike. Later though I saw the both of them leave together. I was wiping the counter when, who do know, the guy I bumped into earlier appears.

"Sex on the beach." He says. I reply, "I'm sorry, but I'm not like that."

"Cute. The drink." He looked like he was mad.

"ID?" He suddenly looked worried. His eyes tightened and he sighed.

"Look, just keep it between us." He slid me a twenty and I just stared at him like he was crazy. I slid the twenty back to him. "No ID, no alcoholic drink. Though, I could give you a Coke." He nodded and I poured him some. He looked like he was eighteen.

He outstretched his hand toward me the second time today. "Landon, Landon Lake." I ignored the hand again and said, "So this is _your_ party, huh?" He took back his hand and shook his head. "My parents. They just signed a new business deal. These are all of their business partners." He took a sip of his Coke. "So the Greenes' are business partners?" I asked unknowingly. He shook his head again. "No, they're close friends. I heard their son died last year. Kind of sad. Hear he got shot at some stupid party." I ignored the reminder throbbing and my heart pulling at the edges of the memory and nodded. "You know them?" he asked. I nodded, again without thinking. Why was I telling this guy what I knew? "They used to our friends too. But then their son died and they sort of shied away from the world for a while." Like me. He dipped his head.

"I also heard his girlfriend was there too, but she got cut with a knife on her arm. They snuck out to go to the party, and then there was this drive-by, it was really messy." I knew this story only too well. I had witnessed it up close. It was me Landon was talking about. I disregarded the pain in my arm and got myself a drink. "Sorry I didn't catch your name?" He directed the question toward me. "Amber, Amber Hawk. I bumped into you when I was running." He slapped the table and said, "That's where I recognize you from. You were pretty fast by the way. Didn't even see you coming. You were also kind of rude. No offense."

"None taken. I just don't like to get distracted when I'm running. "

I heard his name being called from behind him. There was a girl, about seventeen, blond, and very pretty. She could've been a model. For all I knew, maybe she was. Her hand lingered on Landon's shoulder. My stomach turned when seeing this happen. It was a very unpleasant feeling. I still wasn't quite used to people who liked to express their relationship in public. You could tell by the way she walked over here that she was gorgeous and she knew it. I watched as she grabbed Landon's face and pulled it toward her's. Landon didn't look very comfortable and tried pulling away from her. He grabbed her waist and pulled her off his face. "I thought I said we were over Daisy?" He whispered to her. Her hands were on her hips as she gave him a sneer.

She flipped her hair and then walked off. He sighed and sat back in his seat. I looked at him for one second and moved on to another drinker.

When the night was over, we all stood by and watched my mom get paid. Ebony went for a smoke, Jason followed, and Victor and I talked for a while. He'd been hitting on me since the first day he started working here. "So my offer is still valid. We could go wherever you want."

"Victor, I've said this once and many more times and I'll say it again. No! I don't want to go out with anyone. I'm sorry, but if I don't say yes to you, I won't say it to anyone else. I just want to be friends." Now I was angry. He nodded and changed the subject. He started talking about some illegal fireworks show next weekend that everyone was going to. I sat on the bumper of the van. I saw someone coming toward us. It couldn't be my mom, this figure was taller. It was Landon. He ran right up to me. Victor was glaring at him now. "Here, I didn't slip you this earlier for sex on the beach." He handed me a twenty. "I couldn't take this; I didn't even give you what you wanted." He took my hand, opened it, put the twenty in it, and closed my fingers over it. "Keep it." He winked at me and walked away. I sighed and kept the twenty in my pocket. Victor, Ebony, and Jason turned to me. "Since when did you become a prostitute?" Ebony asked. I shook my head. "He asked for the drink. I gave him a Coke. Since he wasn't 21. And I listened to his problems. Nothing out of the ordinary." Victor glared at me for a moment and got back in his car. He was mad and jealous. Poor Victor.

My mom came back with her pay and split it amongst us. She made me go give Victor his pay. I tapped on his window and he rolled it down. He was gripping the steering wheel really tightly. I handed him his money and he spoke, "I thought you said you weren't going to say yes to anyone." I nodded and told him what I told everyone else. "Listen, I hear there's a party tonight. How about I come with you?" He looked visibly happier. He nodded and said to actually get a ride with Ebony. He had to pick up some other people. I said okay and left. "Hey Eb, I'm coming to the party." She smiled too and then we all left.

"Okay so sometimes you have to pair light with dark. It looks better that way." She was giving me tips on how to dress. "Contrast is good. She was making me keep my hair down. She styled it, mussed it, and clipped it in all the right places. She also gave me something of hers to wear. A black and gray blouse that hangs and shows off my scar; kind of like a poncho, but not really. And white pants that hug my legs, like skinny jeans. She also lent me some of her black wedge sandals. She was giving me a full on makeover. I looked at the person in the mirror, and it did not look like me at all. No, she was beautiful. Her hair was filled with beautiful ringlets, her eyes were done up with just a little eyeliner and mascara. The pants really fit her well. Her scar was still visible though and I knew that it _was _me.

"You look amazing! You should come to me more often." We were still in my room, contemplating on whether I should wear jewelry or not. When we finally came to a decision that I didn't need jewelry, we left for the party. I tried to compose myself. Ebony could tell that I was still a little shaky. She tried to calm me by putting on some classical music. I sighed and lay back in my seat.

I didn't want to think back. It wouldn't be at the same place. It wouldn't be at the same place. I held on to my sleeves, just so I could have something to keep me busy. I was already ruining my palms by making fists. My nails dug into the sleeve and I felt like screaming. When we finally got there, I relaxed a little. It was not at the same place. It was being held outdoors. The music was rock and there was a table set up with keg and snacks. We got out of the car and met up with Jason and Victor. He was smiling like predicted. He walked up to me and said, "You look so hot. You should leave your hair down more often." That hurt me right there. What was I doing? This was just to make him happy. I didn't want to be with him. And he called me hot, if he really liked me, he would call me beautiful, amazing, or gorgeous. That would really make a girl feel like the guy liked her not only for her looks but also for her personality.

I had a boring, monotonous personality. Why would he like that? I sighed. I'm just over thinking this entire thing. Be calm, Amber. Be calm. "You want a beer," he asked. I shook my head and he went over to the keg to get some for himself. Jason and Ebony probably disappeared through the trees to make out some more. They were actually really in love. They'd been going out for 2 years. That was real dedication to one person.

I sat down on the ground and lay back on my palms. I stared up at the moon, full tonight.

"Come, on Amber, live a little." He whispered into my room. He was at the window. He climbed the tree that was right in front of it. "Adam, I don't want to get in trouble. If my mom comes in my room to check on me and she doesn't see that I'm there, what will I tell her?" He groaned and stepped into my room. Slowly, carefully. He sat on my bed beside me and kissed my forehead. Then my cheek and slowly reaching my lips. "Please?" He asked kissing me again. I groaned and climbed out of bed. "I wonder if I will ever get used to you dazzling me. Turn around so I can change," He did as I said and I changed into a black tank top and jeans. I put a white button down shirt over the tank top, leaving all of the buttons open. I left my hair open and climbed down the tree with him. He caught me. "You are the best girlfriend ever.

"I love you." He whispered. I gasped. This was the first time he had said that to me. His expression suddenly changed. He looked worried. "I…I love you too." I whispered back. He held onto me and bent down to kiss me once more. This time it was more intimate, more passionate. No matter how close I pulled myself to him, it wasn't close enough. He had me pressed against the tree. When we pulled away, we both were gasping for air. We ran to his car and he drove off. He had it parked around the corner so no one could hear him coming.

"Yo, Amber? Are you okay?" I looked up at Victor. I nodded and he sat down next to me. "So, you having fun?" He asked me. "Sure. You?" I lied. He nodded and took a sip of his beer and looked at the moon. "I wonder why chicks like the full moon so much. I mean, how is it romantic?" I sighed and shook my head in defeat. "Your eyes look like mud sometimes, did you know that?" He was getting really annoying and he didn't seem like he was a good person to be around. What was up with the pessimistic act? He had never been like this before. What happened? Did he think that I was pessimistic or something and he was trying to act like he thought I act?

"I'll be right back. Don't move." I said, then stood up and left. I found a small clearing in the woods and ran to it. I saw a few people's heads' turn to me as I blew past them. I just wanted to get away from the scene. The whole party scene.

I suddenly felt someone grab my injured arm and squeeze it tight. I screamed a cry of pain. I turned around to face the person who did that. Cole. Cole Greene. He was now laughing hysterically with his friends. "Hey sugar, how's it going?" That name was familiar. It was given to me by the man that had caused the scar on my arm. How did Cole know of it?

I turned to him, got up close, and kicked him hard in the nuts. He was on the ground crying out in pain. "What the hell did you do that for? What did I do to you to get almost killed like Adam?" He was now slowly standing up. I swung my arm back and gave him a huge blow in the face. Maybe hard enough to break his nose, I hope. "Never mess with anyone who has an oversensitive anger mechanism. You never know when punches will be flying everywhere." I warned him. He stood back up and I could see the blood running down his face. It stained his shirt. I started getting closer and I swung my arm back, gave it more force, and let it rip. But then I was pulled away from him. I found myself being carried away from Cole and out of the clearing. I kicked and screamed until I was set on the ground. "Jason, what the hell are you doing that for? I could have made him remember never to mess with me again. I could've handled it myself. It was my fight not yours." I yelled as loud as I could. We were out of the crowd now so no one would notice. "I was saving your ass. Do you know how much trouble you would've gotten into with his parents? Heaps. This is what friends are for. I heard them say they would take this to court. That badass joke of a son is not worth getting arrested, do you hear me? You will stay away from that entire family if you care about all of your friends and your family." I glared up at him until I could feel the tears threatening to fall over. He pulled me into his arms and pat my back. I saw Ebony and Victor out of the corner of my eye. Ebony looked worried and Victor looked a little bored. I saw Ebony mouth, "Is she okay?" to Jason. I felt him nod and he pulled away from me.

Now I saw it. The compassion that this guy carried around. Ebony was lucky to have someone like him. "Listen, I think I'm going to take her home. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all." Jason stated. Everyone nodded and I followed him to his car. Once I got inside his truck, he rolled down the windows and let the air in. I could see Cole from a distance. He had his head tipped back and he held his nose. Seeing him brought the rage back so I turned my head and put the radio on. I kept switching stations until I found something that I liked. _Map of the Problematique_ by Muse. I knew this song from before, a while ago actually.

"Why do you like Rock so much? It seems so angry." Jason queried. I looked at him and stated my opinion of this genre of music. "If you listen to the words and not just the beat, you might relate to what their singing to. You might even like the arrangement of the words. These songs have meaning unlike that stupid hip-hop everyone is always listening to. All it's about is sex, money, and more sex. Except for Kanye West, he puts meaning in his songs." Why was I feeling so defensive of rock? Maybe it was just the anger.

I turned up the volume and sat back letting the music calm me. I tried not to think about the fight. I tried not to think of how he got the name sugar for me. I didn't want to think about the threats that I had gotten earlier in the evening. What right did that family have to make me a murderer? If only Adam were still here, he would defend me for everything. Like he always did when his family criticized me. They never actually liked me, ever. The first time I had met them, they threw a fit. They said I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't this; I wasn't that, I wasn't anything they wanted me to be. Despite his family's ignorance, he still loved me. I could still remember the formation of his lips when he said those three amazing words. The expression he had after he said it. The way he kissed me when I confessed it to him. It was all just too real.

I tried to come back to the present. Come back to how things were now. I wish that that night had never happened. Never even existed. I wish that I hadn't agreed to go to the party with him. I wish he hadn't have saved me. Maybe it was my fault. Why did he have to care so much? It wasn't just a coincidence that he was there, it was my fault.

"Amber, you okay? Are you…Are you crying?" Jason posed. I reached up and touched the corners of my eyes. They were wet. I tried to wipe them as fast as I could and shook my head. He stepped out of the car and opened my door. We were in front of my house. He helped me out of my seat and embraced me, tight. He was like a brother. A really caring brother. I wish he were mine. I hugged him back and we stood there; me crying and him whispering condolences in my ear. The porch light came on and Melissa walked out. She ran up to us and asked what was wrong. Jason told her about what happened at the party and handed me over to her. She pat my back and took me inside.

I conveyed to her that I was okay and after ten minutes of arguing she finally let me go to bed. When I went up to my room, I opened my closet and looked in the corner to find a black t-shirt with Metallica on the front. This was one of Adam's favorite bands of all time. I changed into that shirt and kept Ebony's clothes on my dresser to give back to her. Her clothes expressed someone I used to be. The fun-loving Amber Hawk. Now I was just the monotonous Amber Elizabeth Hawk. I was no one worth hanging out with. No one could ever understand what I was going through, ever. I fell asleep with the t-shirt still on and slept a dreamless sleep.

**_Chapter 2_**

"We need milk and eggs. Oh and don't forget the vegetable oil." I was at Kroger getting some ingredients for my sister's birthday. Apparently Melissa forgot that it was today. We called Mike over here so he could celebrate it with her. We invited just about everyone who knew her. Even Mike invited some people that knew her, but didn't necessarily know the entire family. We were keeping it at home. We had this huge living room that we didn't use. It didn't even have furniture in it and it was hardwood so we didn't have to worry about spills if Victor came over. I still had to apologize to him about that night. He still didn't know why I left early. It's not like he would understand.

I walked through the aisles finding every ingredient for vanilla cake. I got the cake batter and the eggs. When I got to the check-out counter – I didn't like the self check-out thing – I saw that Cora, my friend from school, was there. When did she start working here? "Hey Cor. How's it going?" I asked, setting my groceries on the counter. She sighed. "You know, I think I should have applied for the catering thing with you. I would have had a friend and not have to get up until lunch. I get off in a few minutes and I'm coming to Melissa's thing anyway, so can I ask your mom to save me a spot?"

"I'm just here to get groceries. You want it, you ask for it." I paid her the amount due and she took off her apron and went out with me. I guess she was off now. She helped me carry my bags, even though her car was way far away from mine. "I think I will, better than boring old Kroger. I'll ask tonight. You guys need more servers, right?" I nodded and she placed the bags in my trunk. She clapped her hands, said goodbye and ran to her car. I shook my head and drove home. Cora was a little crazy at times. That was what made me become friends with her in the first place. She was the one who made me at least a little happy when I was down and my parents will forever love her because of that. Who would want to care for a daughter that was almost catatonic? I don't know how they did it, but they did. As I drove down the road, I thought about how the party would go. Mike would surprise her by coming over and then they both go to dinner for her birthday. When they come home, we would surprise her with the surprise party. The decorations would be done while they were gone.

I hoped that Mom had gotten the present. It was one of those new professional Nikon cameras. We both knew how much she wanted one. Just a week ago she was admiring one when we went to Sam's. I remember that when we were younger, we used to take so many pictures together. She always insisted on taking pictures when we went on vacation. She was pretty good actually. I wonder why she took up interior design if she liked photography so much.

Everything had changed now. We barely even hung out as a family. The first time we heard Mom and Dad fighting was last year, right before she graduated from college. We were walking past their room to get a midnight snack and watch a movie in my room. We heard yelling coming from their room. I was terrified and Melissa had told me there was nothing to worry about. But now with her gone there's no one to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I still heard them fighting while in my room. But maybe everything would be okay. After next year, I will be going to college and able to take care of myself.

It was always about money or one of them not being home enough. I couldn't take it most of the time so I slept with my iPod on all night. Maybe I would even sleep over at a friends' if it seemed really bad.

When I got home it was six and Mike was right on cue. I could now see them walking to his Porsche. When they pulled out of the driveway they waved at me and drove away. I walked in the house and I could see that people were coming in now. I saw Cora talking to my mom and Ebony and Victor were talking together. Jason was helping put up decorations. I went up to my mom and handed her the stuff. She walked away from Cora and started making the cake. "I got the job!" She squealed. I smiled and gave her a high five. People started piling in and we finished the decorations. I could see some unfamiliar faces, other friends of Melissa and Mike. I greeted as many of them as I could, then helped Ebony and Jason with the banner.

There was only a couple of minutes left until Melissa and Mike got home. We turned off all of the lights and hid behind anything we could. The couches, counters, plants, anything. I stood by the lights and waited for their arrival. I could hear the silent purr of the engine as they turned into the driveway. When the door opened, I turned on the lights and everyone screamed, "Surprise!" Then I heard groans. It wasn't Melissa and Mike. Surprisingly enough, it was Landon Lake. How many times am I going to see him this week? Three I guess. He walked in and hid like everyone else. Now I could hear another car coming down the road. This has to be Melissa and Mike. I heard the lock opening and when they stepped in I opened the lights once again and we all yelled, "Surprise!" Melissa fell back and into Mike's arms. She really was astounded. She smiled and turned to Mike. "You…" He nodded and she leapt into his arms. They separated and went to greet everyone. I walked up to Cora and she was laughing.

"What are you laughing about?" I asked her. She signaled with her finger to give her one second. She wiped at the corners of her eyes and said, "Remember when that dude walked in and everyone thought it was your sister?" I nodded and told her it wasn't that funny. Knowing Cora, she would laugh if someone punched her in the face.

"Anyway, who is that? He is extremely cute!" She squealed again. I sighed and replied, "That is Landon Lake. Just broke up with his girlfriend. Likes to drink under aged. Bribes people. He hears a bunch of gossip and believes it. Yeah, he's perfect." She frowned. "Why do you only look at the flaws? He seems nice, at least talk to him." She commanded. I sat down on the couch and she followed. "I already have, and after I did, he gave me a twenty. Because I was at the bar." She nodded. "That means he has money, even better." I shook my head because she just didn't get it. I saw him walking over to us. Cora had visibly gotten happier. Ebony sat down next to Cora and she complimented her nail polish color. I shifted away from them because I didn't like to hear them shriek over how they looked today. Cora really liked Ebony, and after spending an entire summer together as friends, they had so much in common.

Why wasn't the music on? I was about to get up when Landon sat down next to me. "So, what are you doing here ID please?" Great, now he had a nickname for me.

"It's my sister's birthday party. I have to be here." He puckered his lips and nodded. "Did you buy her the present? The Nikon camera. Why?" I sat back and answered his question. "She loved taking pictures, and she still does. She was admiring it last week so we all bought it for her. We all being my mom, dad, and I"

"So what are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Melissa was decorating my parents' offices and she heard me and my band playing in the garage. She said we were pretty good, but all we needed was a singer. After that she said that we should also do covers of other rock bands' songs. It might sound good. She seemed like a good person, so we let her stick around and listen whenever she wanted. It's great to be around her. You're lucky to have a sister like her." I smiled. He was right, I was lucky.

She was always there for me when I needed her and she never let me be sad. She would always wipe away my tears like that night I got home from a terrible meeting with Cole.

"So ID, do you sing?" He asked. I laughed. I used to, but after Adam's death, I quit. He always encouraged me and without that today, I just couldn't do it. "I wish. I used to but…But I don't anymore."

"Why?" This was a question that I didn't want to answer. I was saved by Melissa, like always. She came up to us and said, "Landon, what are you doing here? How long has it been since I've seen you?" Landon stood up and hugged Melissa. "About two or three months. How are you and Mike?" Landon was talking politely and Melissa smiled and nodded at everything he said. They talked about the band, Melissa's job, the dinner party that we catered for. About everything that they could. I could see that these two have become great friends. They acted like Melissa and I used to act when she still lived here.

Happy, cheery, a little crazy. When I got up to leave and give them a spot on the couch, she grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Amber, have you met Landon? I decorated his parents' offices." She told me the same story he told me. With the band and a need for a vocalist. I heard it all. "Landon, this is my sister Amber. I think you two should get along great. Amber loves music, especially rock. And she loved to sing, but I have no idea why she stopped. She was really good too. Amazing; if you heard her vocals you would be astounded. I remember that when she sang in the shower, I would stand outside the door and listen. Yeah, I know, weird, but she was absolutely worth being weird." I blushed and looked down at the floor.

Great, I've known this guy for what? Two days. And he already knows at least one thing about me that I don't tell anyone else. I counted to ten in my head and calmed down. I didn't want to cause a scene on Melissa's birthday. "We already met. The first night you came back. I served him a drink at the dinner party."

"Oh, that's great!" There was an awkward silence between the three of us. Melissa spoke first. "Landon, I talked my mom up. You can go ask her for a job now. Come to me afterward so I can know if you got it okay?" I saw a smile creeping on his face. He nodded and left the circle. "Melissa, what do you mean, he's going to ask Mom for a job. You can't possibly think he… I don't even know what to say to you." Her smile suddenly turned into a grimace. "For once Amber, will you give someone a chance. Why don't you want to let anyone come into your life anymore? Why on Saturday night when everyone else is out on dates or at parties, you're home studying? You're a teenager. You need to have fun. I'm going to take you out tomorrow. Just the two of us. We can discuss some things and we can go shopping!" I opened my eyes wide. I hated shopping, she knew I hated shopping. "Shopping?!?! How can you be so malevolent? Why do you want to torture me?" She beamed and walked away from me.

I stood there in shock. I abruptly turned around and headed for the stereo. As I passed the door to the backyard, I saw people swimming in our pool. They had brought their own swimsuits and everything. I saw our neighbors there too. They weren't invited to the party, but they usually swam in our pool because we rarely used it. We used to use it a bunch, but then Dad was never home, Mom was busy all the time, Melissa had college, and I was studying. Yeah, so it was free all the time. I turned up whatever song it was and everyone started dancing. I could see my mom across the room and for the first time in a long time she was dancing without a care. No wait, she was dancing with Dad. I thought I would never live to see the day when they got along, let alone acted like a couple.

I smiled, with meaning, for the first time in a long time. I was really happy to see them like this again. I was exultant as I walked and picked up the trash that was being thrown on the floor. Stupid litterers. I felt a hand on my shoulder when I stood up. I turned around, ready to attack and found it to be my dad. His salt-n-pepper hair was wet, so was the front of his shirt. I sighed and looked up at him. "Dad, you are not seventeen anymore. Don't try to hang out with the teenagers in the pool okay?" He dipped his head to look at me. "Sweetie, can you please tell that friend of yours, Landon, thank you. He caught your mom and I fighting in the kitchen. He actually helped us sort things out. He should take a career in therapy. He made us relive why we married each other and look away from the flaws. He has some gift that boy does. That boy is an angel he is. Please tell him that we said thank you." I stood there as he walked back to mom, shock plain on my face. What was his presence doing to my family? Everyone seemed ecstatic, except for me. Just being here at the party has made Melissa go crazy with euphoria. What charm did this guy have that none of my friends had.

Dad had described him as an angel. Had said that he had a gift. What was happening? How had this guy made my parents get along? Even Melissa and I couldn't accomplish that. I was unknowingly backing out of the room. As I passed everyone, I heard snickering, singing, talking, cries of joy. Was it me or were the walls closing in on me. My breathing started getting heavier, my arm started palpitating, I was sweating, and I needed to run.

After the party, I could see that we were going to need to spend all day cleaning tomorrow. My parents turned in early and Mike and Melissa were talking in the guest room. I had just gotten back home after a long drive to nowhere. I had been thinking the entire time of how different my family was tonight. It was like we were whole again. I was out though. I had no idea if I would ever be happy again.

I looked out at the pool and saw that it looked clean again. I thought for a moment about jumping in there. Letting the waves of the water calm me. I didn't give it a second thought. I went up to my room and changed into my swimsuit. I put on Adam's Metallica t-shirt over it and ran outside before I could change my mind. I knew it was past midnight, but Melissa was right. I had to have fun. I had to let loose, even through tiny baby steps. It was a bit breezy, but I didn't care. I took off the t-shirt, ran, and jumped into the pool. The water was cold. Again, I didn't care.

For once, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. How stiff was I anyway? I felt as light as a feather. I held my breath and swam under water for a while. The pool lights were still on so it was easier to see. When I came up for air, I could see that my entire house was dark. There were no lights on. I guess everyone was asleep. Just when I got used to the quiet of the night a voice from behind me startled me.

"You know, swimming in water like that could make you sick." I turned around to see someone. The voice was definitely male. I swam closer to see who it was. Oh God. Not again. "Landon, what the hell are you doing here?" I whispered. He was kneeling down near the edge of the pool. How did I not see him earlier? He laughed and set his feet in the water. "Get out of my pool!" I whisper-yelled. He didn't listen. He just swung his legs and stared at the sky. "Why haven't you left yet?" I commanded. He whispered back, "I don't want to go back to my parents, The Business relationship they have, and my stupid pothead brother." Okay was this conversation turning into a confession or what? I guess he just liked to tell the truth. "Um, that's a very nice story?" I bobbed next to him. "I'm sorry, I just… I'm sorry." He squinted his eyes and I saw the direction of his sight. He was looking at the scar on my arm. The night had made it almost match my skin. It was still pink though. "What happened? That is a pretty big scar. And from the looks of it, it was deep." I sighed and lied. "I tripped and my arm got cut on a piece of glass. Not a big deal." I drew in a lungful of air and disappeared under water. I found a quarter on the floor and swam deeper to pick it up. My lungs started burning for air after a while, so I came back to the surface.

"Aren't your parents going to be worried?" I asked him. _What are you doing you idiot? Why are you dragging him in? Leave him out!_ My conscience shouted at me. I ignored the stupid requests, it was unusual of me, but I did it. He looked around and spotted Adam's shirt. He picked it up and read the front. "Metallica. Cool. Where did you get it?" I pulled myself out of the water and sat beside him. "I didn't get it; a friend gave it to me. I love the way you're ignoring my question." I snapped at him. He sighed and lay back on his palms. "My parents won't mind. They never care enough to look. But they do care enough to check Paul into a rehab center. You see, they have a business relationship. They don't even love each other. They sleep in two rooms. They don't give a fuck about each other. They don't even notice when I'm not there." He picked up the towel beside him and handed it to me. I thought for a second about what he told me. Why did he trust me to know all of this?

I decided to make him feel better. "You know, my parents fought too. Until you came that is. You saw them earlier in the kitchen fighting. You made them realize how much they love each other. They told me to tell you thank you, for everything." I stood up and he followed. I lay down on the lounge chair and he sat next to me. I put the towel over me to keep warm. He offered me his coat. I refused and he insisted. He finally took off his coat and held it out to me. I took it and put it on over the Metallica shirt. It was definitely warmer. He nodded at what I said about my parents. I could see that the sun was starting to rise. "Maybe you should sleep." He said to me. My eyes were drooping, but I refused to give up fighting. "No, I want to stay awake." I suddenly remembered something about him. "Hey, did you get the job?" I asked him. I saw the corners of his mouth turn up. "Yeah, I did. Thanks for asking."

"So, that is two more employees, just what we were short of. My mom was going haywire because we didn't have enough servers." He chuckled and lay down on the other lounge chair next to me. For some reason, I didn't want him to move. It's been a while since I've talked to one person for this long, all night.

I stared at the sky as the sun rose over the horizon. I breathed in the scent of Landon's coat and felt my eyes giving up on staying open. I took a peek over at Landon who was also staring at the sky. "This is probably the best time of day. Sunrise that is." I couldn't agree more with him. I remembered that the when I was at the hospital waiting for the news on Adam, I sat outside and watched the sun come up above my head. This was the first time I hadn't flinched at a memory that was of my happy times. I yawned and let my head fall back. My wet hair smelled like chlorine. I moved my nose away from it and up toward the sky. As I watched the sun slowly light half the world, I fell asleep.

"Catch me!" I yelled when about to jump off the tree. I was having one of my recurring dreams. But I hadn't had this one in a while. Adam was at the foot of the tree, arms out waiting to catch me. I let go of the branches I was holding on to and expected his arms to hold on to me. Instead, I fell, and I fell, and I fell. I didn't stop falling into the black abyss below me. I woke up screaming and sweating. The sheets on my bed were wound around my legs. How did I end up in my bed? Didn't I fall asleep outside, or was that also a dream? No it wasn't a dream. I still had on my swimsuit under the Metallica t-shirt and his coat was still in place over my shoulders. I felt something in the pockets and dug in them. There was a note. It was crumpled up. I opened it and it read in an elegant, neat handwriting:

Until Next Time,

Landon

I crumpled it back up and threw it in the trash can. I looked at the clock on the wall and it was one o'clock in the afternoon. I hated waking up late. I felt like I didn't have any time to do anything. I already smelled like chlorine, so why not go run and then take a shower? I tied up my now dry hair and put on my running clothes. I went downstairs, ate a muffin, and went outside. It was really sunny. I couldn't even look ahead. I stared down at my feet again and ran slowly to start off. I got faster as the time ticked. A sudden rage overwhelmed me. I had forgotten my iPod. Now I could hear everything as I ran. I heard children playing and riding their bicycles in the streets of our neighborhood. I saw some people washing their cars; some teenagers were smoking near the entrance of the neighborhood, others were running like me, but they had water in their hands, kids were drawing out hop scotch on the sidewalks. As I ran out of the neighborhood, I kept watching my feet, until I fell back on my butt again for the second time this week. I glanced up and groaned. Why did we have to keep meeting like this?

"Now I really think you're stalking me." I snapped at him. "Well, I'm sorry that I like to run. You seemed nicer last night." He just stood there staring down at me as kids around us laughed at my plunge. I waited two more seconds then got up. "You seemed nicer all the other times I met you, what about now?" Landon appeared confused. I sighed and said how last time he offered to help me up and now he just stood there. "Last time you refused to let me help you, so I thought it would be okay to let you lay there for a few minutes as everyone laughed. I'm really not that mean, I thought about it and I didn't want to get shot down again so I let you help yourself again." I wiped off the dirt on me and tried to be superior but I saw that that would be hard considering he was a little taller than six feet. I felt like a toddler compared to him. He chuckled as I got up on my toes. When I still wasn't taller, I gave up and sighed. "It's not worth it." I mumbled under my breath and ran past him. "I'll see you tonight!" He yelled as I ran. I stopped in my tracks and bellowed back, "For what?" He looked back and said, "We have a date tonight, you said that last night, remember?" I didn't remember saying any of that. I ran up to him and ran next to him and asked, "I don't think I said that. Why would I want to go out with you?" I shrieked over the motorcycles racing past us. He chortled and bellowed, "I'm kidding. We are catering for the Marley's cocktail party. Don't forget." Saying that he blew past me to catch up with someone else.

I hated that guy so much. I wish I could just grab his neck and choke him to death. I ran faster now blowing past him and…Jason? When did he become friends with Jason? I slowed down until they caught up with me. "Hey Am! How you been doing?" I was used to the way he talked and answered, "Fine, just fine. How are you? I see you've met Lance, was it?" Landon grimaced and repeated his correct name. I did that just to annoy him. "Yeah, we talked last night at the party. I heard he has a band. That's cool. They need a female vocalist actually. I suggested you, but he said that you didn't sing anymore. When did that happen, I thought you loved to sing?" Before the tears formed I answered, "Since, uh, since last summer."

"Oh. Oh!" He got it and frowned. "I uh, didn't know that was why, um, sorry." Landon looked confused again. "Why did she stop?" He asked Jason. We both said, "Nothing," at the same time. I waved goodbye and ran on. I ran faster, my feet just barely touching the ground. I wanted to get away. But that was my answer for everything. Stay for just a few moments, don't develop any feelings, don't reveal anything about yourself, make sure never to meet again, and run away. That was my routine. Every time I met someone that I felt I could be close to, I drifted farther apart.

Getting sucked in would hurt me later on. When that person left for good, I would feel the pain. I hated the pain. The feeling where you know nothing, where you can't do anything or go anywhere to make it feel better. I had lived through true pain and I had forbidden myself to visit that horrid place again. There was a good reason for why I didn't want Landon around. Because I already felt like I was getting sucked in. Getting sucked into his carefree laughter, his liquid jade eyes, the way his light brown hair curled up right before his collar–I stopped myself right there.

This is what happens when you don't run with an iPod. I ran all the way home to get ready for the job tonight. I really did need to take a shower. My stomach turned when I thought about Landon all the way home. I got home and saw mom getting the meatballs ready. She smiled at me as I walked in. "How was your run, honey?" I stopped at the stairs. She actually asked me how I was. I went into the kitchen to talk to her. This is what I longed. To talk to someone, but I never had anyone to talk to. "Um, I ran into…uh, I…I ran into Landon Lake. I mean that literally." She smiled even wider when she heard his name. "Landon? Nice boy. If I had a son, I would want someone like him as my son." I winced when she suggested that. Why did everyone keep complimenting him? I hated that. "Yeah…I also…I also met Jason along the way. Looks like he befriended Mr. Lake as well."

"That's pleasant. Have you also become friends with him?" She asked, sort of hinting at something. I shudder to think that I would ever like someone like him. Maybe once I would've, but I was picky now. Picky meaning, I didn't like any guys. "No, in fact, I hate him. I hate him to the core." I was being rude now, I could tell. My mom looked up and scowled. "Honey, hate is a strong word. I would understand if you disliked him or had an aversion to him or detested him, but you can't just loathe him. You barely even know him." Great, now she decides to be the considerate mom. "And you can't love someone you barely know, but that didn't stop you and Dad from being so fond of him after knowing him for a couple of hours. I mean what level of adoration are you on for him? Would you still have ardor toward him if you found out he had been in juvie before?" She just glared at me, her expression blank and her happy façade still intact.

"Exactly," I said when she didn't have a comeback. I had never acted like this with my mom ever. What was wrong with me? I went upstairs to take a shower. I checked the time and it was five. I took a quick shower, being really careful not to sing. I did that now. Made sure I never sang. That was why I liked songs I never knew the words to. Sometimes a few notes would slip out if I really like the song. I would stop myself just in time. When I was ready, with my black skirt, two inches above my knee, and my white button down shirt. Why was I dressing up? There was no time to change, so I went downstairs to help put the boxes in the van. When I reached the top of the stairs, I saw that Cora, Ebony, Jason, Landon, and Victor were talking. Usually we were in a rush when we were this late. I checked the watch on my wrist and we were supposed to start packing fifteen minutes ago. Why was everyone standing around? I walked down the stairs and everyone, but Landon, watched my confounded face.

"Why are we all just communicating and socializing? Don't we have to pack?" They all had on puzzled faces. "We don't have an event today. Who told you we did?" Cora explained to me. I looked down at Landon. He was whistling and looking anywhere, but at me. I furrowed my eyebrows and Jason said to Landon, "Dude that was not cool. We didn't tell you, but she has a really oversensitive anger mechanism. She looks like she wants to rip your head off now." Everyone stepped back and I made the descend to Hell. They knew that I would not let him survive for tricking me. I was about to lunge at him when I realized I was wearing a skirt. I huffed and walked up to him. "Why aren't you beating his guts out?" Ebony asked. She was the one who liked to see my get out of control. "I can't Eb, I'm wearing a skirt." She understood and situated herself back between Jason and Cora.

I went up to him and whispered low enough so no one else could hear, "Can I talk to you. Alone." He nodded and went into an empty room down the hall. I told everyone else that I would be there if they needed me. I could see the hurt look in Victor's eyes when I walked into the room.

**_Chapter 3_**

He was sitting in a chair placed in the corner. I remembered this room. I hadn't been here for a long time. This was the time-out room for me and my sister. When any of us had been bad, we sat facing the wall in the chair that Landon was sitting. I remember almost losing my virginity to Adam in that bed right there. I winced as the memory hit me. We had the entire house to ourselves. No one was home and they wouldn't be home for a while. Adam and I had retreated to making out in this room. The lights were dimmed and I loved him more than ever, though I had never admitted it to him. As the night grew more intimate, we came closer. I had unbuttoned his shirt and he mine. But I stopped there. I didn't want to do it. I wasn't ready to have sex, with anyone. I had told him that and he understood completely and we watched a movie in the living room. During the movie he occasionally bent his head to kiss me since my head was resting in his lap. Kind of weird how Landon chose a room in which I had been the closest I could be with Adam.

I shut the door behind me and sat on the edge of the bed. He stared at me waiting for any action, any sign that would let him know that I was going to kill him. But I just sat there staring at the carpet beneath my feet. When I spoke he sat rigid in his seat. "Landon, I have been playing games all my life and I am tired of them. I have seen you about more than two times this week. I have seen you being nice, being jokey, being emotional, and being friendly. Landon, can't you just stop switching personalities and show me the real you. I mean, last night you told me stuff that no one could even tell their friends and today you trick me and embarrass me in front of my friends. It's like you have a multiple personality disorder. Every time I see you, you surprise me."

He stood up and sat down next to me. He glared at my v face. "What is this about, Amber?" He asked. I sighed and lay back on the bed. He just sat there watching me. "Ad– I mean Landon, just stick to one person and be that way around me. I can't even tell who I am anymore, how will I be able to tell who you are?" He nodded and I sat up and headed for the door. "Oh, I forgot to ask. How did I get in my bed yesterday? Because I distinctly remember falling asleep next to you outside on the lounge chairs. By the way I have your jacket upstairs." He pulled his fingers through his hair and looked down. "I carried you back to your room. You looked uncomfortable and you sounded like you were having a bad dream. You were saying something like, 'Adam, don't go. Catch me.'" I flushed deep red. "Who is Adam, by the way?" He inquired. I looked at the door and mumbled, "No one important." I opened the door and fell back into Landon's arms. Everyone: Jason, Ebony, Cora, and Victor, fell on the ground. I guess their ears were pressed to the door, listening to our conversation. Landon's hands were on my waist, supporting me as everyone fell to my feet. We glanced at each other and laughed. He stood me up straight and we just laughed. Since I hadn't laughed like this in a while, there was an edge of hysteria in my laugh. His was carefree and real. He jokingly slapped his knee.

Everyone stared at me incredulously. Their mouths were O's and their eyes were wide. I know they hadn't seen me like this in ages. They looked at Landon with admiration; except for Victor whom looked at him with loathe clear on his face. Landon and I stepped over them and walked to the living room. "I was wondering why you guys were wearing jeans and t-shirts." I told Landon as he followed me to the kitchen to get popcorn since today was Monday and we had Movie Night. I had a projector in the living room so we sat on the couches and watched scary movies. Today's movie is _The Uninvited_. He nodded and got out the popcorn bags from the pantry. "So, do you scare easily?" He asked me. I nodded. He stood behind me as the popcorn got ready in the microwave and whispered in my ear, "Don't worry, I'll protect you." His warm breath on my face sent shivers down my spine. I paused and stared into space. I heard his low laugh in my ear and it brought with it a huge reminder of that night; the night I should've died on if it wasn't for Adam.

I remembered him saying the same words in my ear as we saw the man with the gun. We were hiding in a closet as they passed. I shut my eyes and held in the scream that was building in my throat. I had done a good job of never thinking of that night and suddenly, this goof comes along and all my rules are for nothing. I popped out of my trance when the microwave beeped and the popcorn was ready. I poured it into a bowl as Landon got the other packet ready. Cora appeared in the kitchen, a Diet Coke in hand. She came over to me and whispered so only I could hear, "Hey, do you think you can get me a date with Landon. He is so cute." I looked back at Landon and I could see that the corners of his lips were turned up. My stomach flipped when she asked this. What was it with my stomach? I think I ate something bad. Like always Cora was loud and Landon had heard her. "I'll try. He's one tough guy." She clapped and looked at him. He looked like he hadn't heard a thing, which made her giddy as she went back to the living room.

"Do you by any chance want to go out with Co–" He put up a hand to stop me and said, "No, I'm sorry." He answered in a monotone. "Why?" I questioned. He looked at me in the eyes. "I don't know. Why won't you go out with Victor?" Oh great, now the tension was on me. "That is a different story entirely." I said with no feeling whatsoever. I opened the microwave and the bag to smell the buttery smell of the popcorn. "That guy is crazy for you. Looking at him when I talk to you breaks my heart. You should give him a chance." I looked up into his eyes to see how he felt about that. He looked away so that was impossible. I shook my head and took the two bowls of popcorn outside. He followed me with the drinks. Like a good waiter he offered everyone sodas and gave me water. "Why are you giving me water?" I asked, even though I preferred water over soda. "He mumbled under his breath low enough so no one else heard. "We both know how much that would upset your stomach." I spit out the water I was drinking all over Victor and Cora. I blushed and Landon chuckled. I glowered at him as he passed. It was only a little water so they were okay with it. Everyone was seated so I looked for somewhere to sit. Victor and Cora were on the loveseat and Ebony and Jason were laying down on the long couch and the only seat left was on the other loveseat with Landon.

He saw me standing and patted the cushion next to him. I sighed, grabbed a blanket, and sat next to him. I could hear footsteps upstairs as Mom organized her closet. Mike and Melissa had left earlier this morning while I was still asleep. It was quiet. I took the remote off the coffee table and played the movie. There were parts when Ebony and Cora would scream and I would wake up from my doze.

I was so sleepy and there wasn't that much room on the couch so I had to rest my head on Landon's shoulder. His blanket was longer so he wrapped it around me and I nodded off. Though before I closed my eyes, I caught a glimpse of Victor and he wasn't watching the movie. He was watching me and Landon. I felt really bad now. I could hear Landon's breathing get steadier as he also fell asleep. I dozed off with a frown on my face.

"AAAHHHHH!!!!" I heard when Dad came home. I had popped open my eyes and Landon and I fell on the hardwood floor. My head hit the coffee table and my legs crossed with his. We both groaned and sat up. His head had hit the floor and his elbow got bruised when he tried to cushion his fall with them. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. He and I rubbed our heads. I laughed and he chortled. We both knew how to hide the pain well. He stood up then helped me up. We laughed even harder when everyone gave us confused looks, including my dad. We laughed all the way to the freezer in the garage until they were out of earshot. We stopped laughing and groaned. I rubbed my head and he held his elbow. "Nice acting," I praised. He gave me a thumbs up. I took out the icepacks and we placed them on our bruised limbs. He sighed when the ice had touched his skin. "No more scary movies. They hurt so much." I whimpered. He nodded in agreement then suggested we go out back to the pool. I followed him as he headed to the pool. I took off my shoes and splashed my feet into the water. I held the icepack to my forehead and looked at my reflection in the water. I grunted. "I'm going to have a huge bruise there in the morning."

"What about me? I won't be able to sleep on my head, and I can't move my arm." His voice went up a couple of octaves. I looked at him funny and then got serious. Maybe he was injured bad. "Tell me if it hurts where I touch you okay?" He nodded and I placed my fingers on the back of his scalp. He looked straight at me while I did this. I looked into his jade eyes. They were hiding something and I couldn't tell what it was. Pain? Or sorrow? I stopped moving my fingers when he yelled, "Holy shit! What the hell was that?" He took my hand off. I took a glance at my fingers and saw blood. I stood up and he did the same. "Landon, it is serious. Your bleeding. We have to get you to a doctor. Lucky for you, that is exactly what my dad is." His trepidation was plain on his face. He was scared of doctors. "No, no doctors. There is no blood, and I am not hurt. Do you understand me? I do not need to see a–" When I yelled for my dad, he freaked out even more.

He stepped outside and asked what was wrong. "Landon is bleeding on his scalp and it is tender." He squeezed my arm and I pulled him into my dad's office. He had an emergency kit ready to go.

He held my hand the entire time he was getting checked. I didn't want to admit it, but it felt nice to hold his hand. I could see his veins popping because he was so stressed. I pat his arm as my dad put a bandage on his scalp. Luckily he didn't have to have stitches. "This is why I don't have any scars. Or why I never get hurt. Please don't tell anyone?" I nodded and we walked back to the living room where the movie was still going on. "Is there anyone here who doesn't scream and get us two scarred? Landon cut his scalp and I bruised my forehead. Does anyone want to say sorry?" They waved their hands and dismissed us. I placed my hands on my hips and they stared at the screen. I looked up at Landon and he was smiling.

When I saw the end credits appear on the screen, I opened the lights and they all turned toward me, except for Victor and Jason. They both were asleep. "Okay, so if you want, you can go in the pool." I sighed as I said this. Might as well make it of good use. "Cora and I brought our swimsuits, we have to go change." Ebony let me know. They went into different bathrooms with their bags that had their clothes for the sleepover tonight. Jason and Victor's eyes fluttered as they woke up. I repeated the news for them and they ran outside. I nodded to Landon so he could go outside too. He walked, instead of ran. I went upstairs to get ready and as I passed the bathrooms, Cora and Ebony were wearing string bikinis. They were the same and Ebony had brought her camera so they posed together in front of the French doors that opened up to the backyard.

I laughed under my breath and changed into my black and pink tankini. They were waiting for me downstairs. Before heading down I yelled to my parents that we all would be in the pool. I didn't hear an answer so I ignored it and joined my friends outside. Jason, Victor, and Landon had all changed into just their shorts. I shook my head and sighed. Cora and Ebony jumped in the pool and joined Victor and Landon. I looked at Landon and to tell you the truth, he was ripped. He had amazing bronze six pack abs. I saw Cora swooning over him and Ebony stared after Jason as he came over to talk to me. "Okay, so Ebony asked me to ask you about the deal with Landon. I am not interested whatsoever." I was sitting on the lounge chair watching as everyone splashed each other.

"Nothing to know. Like everyone keeps saying, I'm trying to give him a chance to become my friend. Jason, you're the only one who understands my situation. I never let anyone inside. I am a closed book. Never to be opened again. You and Adam were such great friends and I know you miss him too, but I can't get over the fact that he is actually gone. Everyone says that time will heal, but will it really? It's been a year and I am still depressed. I really loved him and you knew it. I need more time, but life is too short for time to be given out like souvenirs. I want to make more friends, and I will let Landon see me. It's his decision; if he doesn't want to be friends, it's better for me. Now, go, have fun with your love, make every second count." He smiled, nudged my side, and jumped back into the pool. I saw Ebony give me a secret smile. I smiled back and she waved for me to come in.

It was over. I couldn't mourn anymore. I had to make every second count too. I know Adam would not want me to stop my life just because his ended. I stood up and did a cannonball into the pool.

"Okay I actually kissed him." Cora confessed. We were playing Truth and Dare. Cora had gotten a question on whether she kissed one or the other guy. It was in our school during junior prom and she was so sad she kissed someone besides her date. This is what she called a terrible mistake. Ebony laughed. I was at my desk checking my email on my laptop. It had been a while since I had checked and I had 563 unopened emails. I tried to remember the last time I had checked my email. It was last year when school had just ended. I checked it for some sort of email from my dad. He was in Africa helping with disease there. He said he would email me, but he didn't. Our school ended in May so there was still a month left until the incident happened.

I was getting ready for my sister's graduation, and she was crying because Dad wouldn't be there, but we promised that we would take pictures and send it to him. When she was finally empty, we left and she got her degree at the University of Memphis.

I was checking my inbox, deleting spam, when I came across a certain email that had gotten my attention. It said _Urgent! Open soon! But I know you don't check your email, so u don't have to and I won't get mad! Addam!_ I paused, my mouse on the link. It was dated June 11. A week before he died. He had never asked me about it and I had never seen it.

I wouldn't open it; I would save it, but not open it. I closed the window and sat on my bed with Ebony and Cora. "So, anyone been dared yet?" They both shook their heads. I was still thinking about the email. About what it could have been. But I tried not to get too curious.

"Okay then, I pick dare." Ebony placed a malicious smile on her face. Oh, great. I thought. She thought for a second and suggested, "Why don't you go skinny dipping in your pool?" I stared at her for a second and agreed. She widened her eyes and said, "I didn't mean it; I thought you were going to say no." I shook my head and raced down the stairs to the backyard pool. They followed. Before I took of my clothes I said and they quoted, "Life's short, and adventures make them longer. Sometimes being crazy is for a good reason." I stood at the edge and slid out of my baggy t-shirt and sweat pants. They were sitting on the lounge chairs, whispering.

I took a deep breath and jumped. They cheered as I swam under water. When I came up for air, they were at the lip of the pool. They were smiling and reaching out for high fives. I touched my hand to theirs. We were laughing until the doors opened and there was light. Oh shit.

It was Jason. He was staring wide eyes at my pile of clothes near the rim of the water. Then he saw me in the water and turned around before he saw anything. Luckily my pool was not shallow at this end. It was six feet deep where I was bobbing. "What the hell are you doing here?" I yelled. He turned around covering his eyes with his hand. "I am _so_ sorry, but I came to pick up Landon's jacket. He said he left it here. He's waiting at the door. He didn't want to come in because he knows you hate him. Where is it?" He was rambling. He did that when he was nervous. Ebony walked up to him and led him to the living room. She told him I would be there in a second. Cora handed me a towel and I pulled myself out, my cheeks burning hot. Yes, I was embarrassed.

I walked in the house with nothing but a towel on; I was too wet to wear my clothes. I saw Landon standing by the door. He was chuckling at me. I shook my head and went upstairs to grab his coat. Once I had the brown leather jacket in hand, I breathed it in. It smelled of pine and a light musk. I guess he didn't wear cologne.

I slowly walked downstairs, the towel still tightly wrapped around me. I held out the coat for him to grab. Ebony and Cora were in the living room making sure Jason saw nothing at all. Landon grabbed my wrist and his jacket and whispered to me. "By the way, you should get a fence. I saw every little thing back there. And you know what? I'm not even sorry." I almost dropped my towel, but luckily I didn't. Would it matter? He'll only see what he has already seen. Now I felt self-conscious. I stared at him wide eyed, mouth gaping open. He let go of my wrist and called Jason. Jason didn't even look at me as he went back in his car with Landon in the passenger seat. He waved as they drove away.

Now I was extremely mad. I punched the wall with the hand he had held on to. I punched it hard enough to feel something get misplaced in my wrist. Damn it. I groaned and went to look for a wrist brace in the first aid kit. I placed it tight around my hand and went to grab my clothes from outside. I changed back into them and went to sit with Ebony and Cora in the living room. "So, what did Landon say?" Cora asked. Of course she would ask. She had a crush on the guy. I could tell she was confused on why he hadn't asked her out yet. To tell you the truth, Cora was beautiful. She could get any guy she wanted, but apparently not Landon. "He, um, he said he saw what happened outside. This means he saw me naked. After he left, I punched the wall too hard and sprained my wrist." I held up my injury. They wore the same expression as I did when Landon admitted that he had seen me undress. "How…when? I mean…What?" Cora fumbled for the right words. "You know how we don't have a fence? Well, I guess he had come in the back first and checked if I was there and then he stayed for the show. I hate that pervert so much. He's not even sorry that he saw it." They still looked confused. I shook my head in the don't-even-ask kind of way. They shut up and for one second I heard someone yelling. It had come from upstairs. "Um, why don't you guys go outside and swim for a while. I have to go check on something." They nodded and headed outside.

I climbed up the stairs to my parents' bedroom. The door was slightly eased open. This was the source of the yelling.

"How dare you say that?!?! This is not fair anymore." Mom screamed.

"You have no idea how relieved I am to go to work and stay away from you!"

"I knew you never loved me. This is all you care about. Work and stupid poker, where you met that stupid slut!"

I slid down the wall and listened some more.

"I don't want to look at your face anymore. You bitch!" I heard a crash. There was glass on the floor from where I could see through the crack in the door.

"Do you know how long I have bared you and your stupid games? Long enough to know that this marriage was just a cover up. Your parents were mad at you because you weren't married. So you pretended to fall in love with me and now your sneaking behind my back with that skank nurse!" I put my hand to my heart. Dad had another affair? I felt my eyes get watery. I kept listening even though I couldn't take anymore

"That is it! I want a divorce. This marriage is not working out!" Dad shrieked.

"Fine! But I get custody of the children. I don't want them to be around some slut!"

"Fine!" Dad agreed. I was weeping now. My tears had fallen on my shirt and gotten it wet. It was quiet for a moment. "I'm staying over at a friends'."

"You asshole!"Mom screamed before he left. He was coming toward the door. I quickly ran over to my room and stayed there until the front door closed and Dad was gone.

I creaked the door open. He was gone. I walked over to where my mom was. I went inside her room. She was curled up in a ball on the floor, crying her eyes out. I kneeled down beside her and she wrapped her arms around me. I cried with her. Mother and Daughter. I couldn't believe what Dad had done. I thought he had cared about us. About all of us. And now he was leaving us alone. Mom was right. He is an asshole. He never cared. This was only for his parents. He never loved my mother. He was a huge jerk. Even I never wanted to see him again.

I crept out of the room when Mom finally went to sleep in her bed, her face dried with her tears. When I reached the pool in the back I had seen the time and it was after midnight. Cora and Ebony were splashing each other. My eyes were rimmed with red circles. I walked over to them and said, my voice cracking in some places, "Maybe you guys should head home. We can't have anyone over right now." They had probably seen my eyes, but they climbed out of the water, changed into and got their clothes, and left.

I needed to call Melissa. I got on the phone in my room, dialing her number. I didn't care that it was almost two o'clock; I just needed to tell her what was happening. She answered after three rings. I guess she was still up. "Amber?" She asked. I was still weeping a little, but not enough for anyone to hear over the phone. "Hey, guess what? Amber, I'm…I'm pregnant!" She cheered. I guess that was why she was up. I didn't want to tell her this now. It would just depress her. I had to, I just had to. "Melissa, forgive me if this is not the best news, but…Melissa I think, no I know, that Mom and Dad are… Melissa, they're splitting up. They're getting a divorce." The other end of the line was silent. I heard her whisper, "Oh my God," to Mike. She told me that she and Mike would be over soon. I let her know that it wasn't necessary, but she argued and said she and Mike were still coming.

When she hung up I had gotten into bed and wept myself to sleep.

The two weeks they both were here was okay. Melissa spent most of her time with Mom and Mike took me out when they wanted to be alone. So far, as long as they have been here, I haven't worried one single bit. Mike took me out for ice cream when I looked sad. I had told him that it was good practice for becoming a dad. But I had also let him know to never be like my dad. If he will I would kill him just for my sister. He promised me that he would never do anything to hurt her. He loved her too much to do that. I explained to him that my dad had said the same thing a while ago. After that though, he embraced me and comforted me. In these two weeks, I hadn't seen any of my friends. Or Landon. I sort of missed him. The way he always teased me. The way he always knew what I was thinking. The way he knew me so well; my emotions included. I missed his laugh, his smile, and the way his eyes never revealed anything about him. I don't know why, but whenever I thought of him, I found myself smiling secretly. Mike had asked a couple of times why I was grinning, but I never said anything.

I wanted to see him. I needed to see him, but I couldn't. When I was running, I didn't bump into him at all. I never saw him running. I was getting worried and decided to ask Jason if he knew his number. Sadly, he didn't.

Today was the day Mom and Jacob, my unfaithful father, were going to get the divorce papers signed. My mom, out of anger, had thrown away all of his stuff. His clothes, socks, fishing poles, underwear, everything. I had helped her; I was furious. When he had come by to pick it up, the garbage man had already taken the trash. He had gotten angry and left. I hated him so much.

Once Mom had left for court, to fight for custody of me, since Melisa was not a minor anymore, and everything else so that Jacob got nothing but his boat, Melissa, Mike and I went out for lunch. We were at Osaka for Hibachi. We all had ordered the same thing. Fried rice with shrimp and steak. The steak was cut into pieces for us to eat and the shrimp was delectable. The fried rice was spicy as requested. We were stunned by how the chefs did the stunts like that in front of us. My favorite part was when they made the fire. Its flames almost licked the ceiling. It was so hot, even hotter than it was outside. But of course, it was breezy outside due to the rain this morning. Okay so the fire was even hotter than it usually is outside in the summer. "So, Amber, do you know what major you want to take in college? And which college are you going to?" Melissa questioned, popping a piece of steak in her mouth. She wasn't allowed to have shrimp anymore and for that she was so sad. "I think I might go to U of M, if I get accepted. Or maybe Dartmouth, or Boston. I don't know. But I do know that I love to write so maybe a career in creative writing won't be so bad." They both nodded and said it was a good choice.

"So, what are you going to name the baby?" I asked. I knew it was too early, but I was curious if they were going to name it after me if it was a girl. "Um, for a boy we might name him Nathaniel or Ethan. For a girl Emily or Emma or Jessica." I nodded and asked if I could make a suggestion. "How about for a girl you could name her, Ava, or Eva, or Halley." They said they would think about it and that the names were pretty good. "For a boy you could name him, Nicholas or Isaac. They're unique so not everyone uses them. It'd be easier to tell who's who in school and at home." They nodded again, thinking about the names. Why was I suggesting names again? I ignored that question and ate my lunch. When we were finished, we headed home, but it was still empty. I guess Mom wasn't home yet. We watched T.V until two hours later, I heard Mom's car. She opened the door and we ran to her to hear the news. She was smiling proudly. "What happened? Is it final?" Melissa attacked her with questions as soon as she came in the door. "The divorce will be final in just a couple of weeks and I get full custody of Amber. He has to pay child support until Amber turns eighteen. And I get everything and he gets his boat. Great, huh?" We all hugged her and she said that we should celebrate tonight.

I had never seen anyone celebrate a divorce before. Usually kids hate it when their parents get divorced, but I was okay with it. I understood why it was happening and it would be nice now. Just the two of us. Mom and I. I couldn't stand being around Jacob's sleazy ass. Yeah, I know, you shouldn't talk about your father like that, but I did. Most kids' parents split when they're younger, but mine split so close to my seventeenth birthday which is next month in July. Yes, everyone was older than me and I hated that. I hated being young, but the good thing about your birthday being in July is that it is when school is out so you can celebrate any night without it having to matter how late you stay up.

"Mom, I can't come tonight. I actually want to go out with a couple of friends if you don't mind. I haven't seen them in a while." My mom nodded and kissed me on my forehead. I went up stairs and grabbed my car keys. Once I had them I drove to Ebony's house. She lived in Estanola Trails. They were closer to the Houston district and that is why she _had_ to go there. I drove the familiar roads to her house. Right in front of Sycamore Elementary. Her little brothers went there. Her sister went to Schilling Farms Middle School. Yeah, she had a lot of siblings. Her house was always busy. That is why I liked to go there. I liked the chaos. At our house it was always so neat and boring. I walked up to her door and rang the doorbell. One of her brothers opened the door. "What do you want lady?" He screamed. I bent down to his size and said, "I need to talk to your sister, Ebony. Can you tell her that Amber is here?" I said, because I was talking to a six year old. He turned around and yelled, "Ebony! Stop making out with your boyfriend and say hi to the nice lady, Amber!" I saw Ebony running to attend to me.

"Hi, Amber! How have you been? I haven't seen you for two weeks." She looked, messy. Her hair was almost a haystack. "I, um, came to say hi. Is Jason here too?" I asked. She looked confused when I said that. "No, he's not. I broke up with him last week. Didn't he tell you?"

I gaped at her. They were in love. I could see that. How can they just break up? "I guess I should go, I need to talk to him." I turned around and headed for my car. He wouldn't be at home. No, not at this time. She tried calling out to me, but had no avail. I drove to the park. Suggs Park. He loves that stupid place. He always went there, every night. He lay there staring at the sky at night. He would have to be there.

We haven't been friends that long, but I already knew so much about him. We became friends through Adam. He was Adam's friend too and when he died we both were there for each other. I knew everything there was to know. His fears, his goals, his embarrassments, his dreams. I knew it all. I drove there thinking about the mess he would be. Ebony had said that she had broken up with him. So none of this was his fault, or maybe it was. I had no idea why she broke up with him.

When I got there, thankfully, the lights were lit. It was getting dark outside now. I squinted so I could see if he was here. I could see someone standing in the middle of the field. I ran to him. He watched me as I ran to him. When I reached him he was smiling. Smiling? I thought he was going to be torn. "Jason, what happened?" I asked. He explained, "Ebony and I broke up because she met someone else. You know Jake from Blockbuster?" I nodded. "Yeah him. She was renting a movie and he was flirting. She immediately liked him, so then our love was not worth the time we had spent together. I wasted one year with her. She doesn't give a fuck that I changed just for her." He shook his head and looked back at the sky. The sun was starting to set now. The sky becoming pink and purple and orange and yellow and red and a darker shade of blue.

I opened my arms for him. I held him close to me. I hated seeing people like this. I hated it when people grieved for a loss. He really loved her. So much. I whispered in his ear, "You can find someone a lot better than her. She was nothing compared to the one you deserve. Everything is going to be okay." He mumbled something back. I could feel his chest reverberating with every word he spoke. "But that's just it. Everything's going to be _okay_. Nothing is going to be great or excellent. I don't want to be alone. She understood me, understood why I am how I am. But now she leaves me for some Jock." I kissed his cheek and repeated what I had just said. "I'm here for you no matter what." He kissed my forehead and let go of me. "I have to go. My parents must be worried. Thanks again Amber. You are a great friend. Any guy who ends up with you will be a lucky dude. Be safe, okay?" I nodded and he ran toward his car. I sighed and watched him drive away.

I lay down on the ground and watched the sky change colors. How could Ebony be so callous? I thought she loved him too. I guess this is what love is. Never again will love be a good thing. This is not Shakespearean time anymore. Chivalry is dead. Though the last act Adam showed was chivalry. I guess it died along with him. Love is just a pastime. Nothing matters. Feelings don't exist. No one is polite. No one cares.

What happened to the phrase: _If you love something, set it free, and if it was meant to be, it will come back to you? _Where was Adam? I had set him free and I still don't see him coming back. So I guess it wasn't meant to be. I needed a break; a moment away from reality. In a perfect world, there would be so grief, no death, no sadness. But, I guess nothing is perfect.

**_Chapter 4_**

I was with Melissa and Mike again. I didn't want to come, but I was forced. We were heading over to Landon's house. Melissa wanted to catch up more. She was the one who had his number. She called him last night and asked if it was okay to come today. He had said that he was practicing a new song he wrote, but it was fine. I knew I said that I sort of missed him, but I always say stuff I don't inevitably mean. We had all of the windows in the car rolled down and I read the streets signs, not having much to do.

When we reached his house, I was shocked to see how big it was. They didn't live in a neighborhood and it was _huge_. The bricks were salmon colored; there was a huge bay window in the living room, a lovely garden in the front yard, filled with beautiful flowers. It was like a dream house. We walked on the brick pathway to the front door. Melissa rang the doorbell and I recognized Landon's mom from the dinner party weeks ago. She was tall and skinny with short blond hair curled in on the ends. She looked too young to be fifty-five. She delightedly invited us all in her gorgeous home.

Melissa looked so tranquil in this setting. Mike and I were glaring at how tall the ceiling is. Melissa, Mike and Landon's mom were chatting about something I didn't get and I stood around and smiled politely. She had offered me some water, but I refused like I always do. I stood there until I heard something coming from another room. It sounded like a piano. They didn't seem to need me so I wandered off in the direction of the music. The piano was the only instrument that was playing. I was lead to this hall and in the middle of it was a Grand Piano. Someone was still playing. The composition was really beautiful. The notes running together in the most elegant way. I almost felt like singing my own tune. I stopped myself and deliberately walked over to the piano.

Who else, but Landon Lake, is sitting in the seat. His hands moved across the keys so gracefully, it was like a hand-dance. He brushed the keys ever so slightly, but the sound still echoed in the room. "So this is where the music happens?" I asked when he stopped playing to write something down on a piece of paper. He looked up, startled. I chuckled and he took the papers off of the stand. "Let me see that." I commanded. He sighed and handed the papers to me. "It's not that good." He wasn't bragging.

I read the lyrics aloud:

"A child is driven to reach his goals. He doesn't give a care about obstacles. He holds his head high and hopes for the best, he doesn't worry and says there's no time to rest. What he doesn't know won't harm him. He has the endurance to find out on his own. His mind is made and he makes his climb to the top. Even sickness cannot make him stop. He's determined enough to fall and start over. It's too bad he doesn't see what's coming for him. He befriends a figure named Death. He soon stops his ascent to breathe his last breath. He worked so hard to get where he was. Now he will never be forgotten. Even though he has left loved ones broken. A brave soldier, the best metaphor. He has people who love him, people who cherish his memories. His children are awfully young. To his legs they once clung, begging and pleading for more fun. Their mother, left alone, sits by his tombstone, beseeching and pleading for an answer to why he had been treated with such cruel culture. 'It's not fair!' she shrieks, 'Why did this shock come out of nowhere?' Standing here in the dark never forget who you are. Life will always disappoint you, but don't grieve in the sadness. Be strong, hold yourself together. Remember the story of this beloved brother." When I finished reading I almost had tears in my eyes. I looked at Landon. He was staring down at his feet. The shy artist.

"Landon, who said this wasn't that good? This is… I don't even have words for how amazing it is. What provoked you to write this?" He shook his head. I guess he didn't want to tell me. He lifted his head and said, "I don't know what came over me. My brother-in-law just recently died. He was a great guy. He cared for his family and my sister. His name was Alec. He turned out to be one of my best friends and I loved the guy, like another brother. He supported me with this whole music thing and I appreciated it." His eyes looked almost bloodshot.

"Our entire family loved him. He was the perfect guy for my sister. They got married and eventually had two kids. One is three and the other is five. He was one of those people who knew what they want. And whatever he wanted, he went for it. We wanted my sister, he got her. He wanted to be a dad, he got it. But there was one complication. He wanted to live as long as he could. That was the one thing he didn't get. He died of lung cancer. They got out as many tumors as they could, but they didn't see the extra ones until it was too late." Landon buried his face in his hands.

I didn't know how to say sorry without it sounding fake. My sorry was genuine. I knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. I knew it well. I pulled his fingers off his face and he looked at me. He hadn't cried yet, but he was holding it in the best that he could. I watched as one tear reached the bottom of his chin. I wiped away the tears that followed. Why was this happening to me now? I was the one comforting. I was the one who was being strong. I wish I could just cry my heart out.

I pulled Landon close to me. I understood his pain. I understood every inch of it. I would never let him know how I understood. That, I wanted to keep secret.

He pulled away from me and asked, "Sorry, I never actually get that emotional. Um, do you want to hear the song?" He asked. I nodded and he cleared a space for me on the bench. He started playing the melody again. The mixed notes went together beautifully. He played the intro for about sixteen seconds before he started singing. His voice was as divine as this house. I listened intently as he sang the same words that were written on the paper.

The notes were high and held out in some places, some were low and cut short. When the song had come to a close, I put my hand to my heart and praised his exquisite composition. He smiled a crooked smile that made my heart flip in my chest. I hadn't felt like this in ages. I smiled back and we just sat like that for a while. I looked away from his gaze. "How about you show me the rest of the house?" I suggested. He nodded and we left the room. I could see that Landon looked heaps better. Seeing this I remembered Jason and how I had reassured him that day. That was just a couple of days ago on Monday.

It's amazing what little it takes to make someone happy. A smile, a nod, a friend. Anything that you can give that makes you seem kind. I smiled again the smile that I kept to myself.

The last time I saw Landon he was at my house when he came to pick his coat up. He last saw me when I was naked. I shuddered thinking about that. He didn't even say sorry. My smile automatically turned into a grimace. I still had the brace on my wrist. I could feel it palpitate, annoying me the entire time we were walking back to the living room. Along the way he pointed at rooms that were part of his house. When we walked into the kitchen, I complimented it so much. My mom being a caterer and all, this kitchen would have been her dream. The corian counter was just so striking.

He stared at me while I had this look on my face that was so surprised. I was happy. The happiest I have ever been since the accident. I had asked for an angel. Had I gotten one? No, not yet.

We made our way back to the living room where everyone was conversing. Melissa and Mike saw me and smiled. Landon lead me to his mother. "Mother, this is Amber Hawk. Amber, this is my mom Jennifer. Mom, Amber is Melissa's sister." Jennifer got up and shook my hand. She smiled warmly. "It's so nice to meet you Amber. Landon said that he had gotten hurt at your house. Did you get hurt too?" She seemed worried. Maybe she spotted my wrist brace. I smiled and lifted it up. I then picked up my bangs to where there was a huge bruise.

"I hit my head on the coffee table. Oh, and I punched the wall afterwards." She looked alarmed. I shook my head and said, "No. You see I was mad." I looked at Melissa to see if it was okay to talk about the divorce. She nodded and I continued, "Well, my parents were getting a divorce and I didn't quite like it. I had actually heard them announce the divorce." Of course that was not the actual reason I punched the wall. What would I tell her? _I punched the wall because your idiot son here saw me undress in my backyard when I was dared to go skinny dipping, which wasn't a really daring dare. He said he wasn't sorry, so I punched the wall because I couldn't punch him? _ Yeah, that would make me seem really nice.

I lied instead. It seemed like a better choice. She nodded glumly and made The Face. The one where you cock your head to one side and say I'm sorry, so it sounds genuine. That doesn't work that well.

"I'm going to take her on the tour of the rest of the house." He quickly pulled me away. I would have gone willingly too. We climbed up the stairs and he asked me, "So, why did you really punch the wall?" I looked at him. How had he known I was lying? "I already told your mom downstairs." He looked at me, confused. I sighed and told him the truth. He understood and said sorry. But, unlike Jennifer, he meant it. When we reached the top, he led me down this hallway to a door at the end. He stood in front of it, his back facing the door. "Okay. What you are about to witness will blow your mind. Or at least, make you deaf. Choose one." I chuckled. He took a deep breath and opened the door. When I stepped through the doorway, I saw and heard everything. I guess this room was soundproof. There were three boys. One was on drums, the other on bass guitar, and one on keyboard. They stopped playing the tune when I walked in. They raised their eyebrows toward Landon.

The one on the drums spoke first. "Who's this?" He asked. The question was obviously directed toward Landon, but the guy was looking me up and down. Landon smiled at my panicked expression. "This is Amber Lake. I work for her mom. You remember Melissa? Her sister." They smiled, as if comforted by the fact that they knew someone I was related to. Landon suggested that I sit down on the beanbag that was placed in the corner. I did as he said and sat in the corner. When I did, he whispered to me, "You know, we still need a female vocalist. If you want, you could fill the position." I shook my head at the thought. He sighed and turned around. He ambled toward his band members. He stopped on the way to them and slapped his hand to his forehead. "I'm so rude. Amber, come here." I stood up and stumbled over wires to him. He caught me and chortled. I scowled and stood up straight. "I forgot to introduce you to everyone. This is Sid," He pointed to the one on drums. He was feeling his blond buzz-cut hair. "That's Jack," He nodded at the guy on bass. He shook his long, brown below-the-shoulders hair. He blinked his bright blue eyes twice and nodded back.

"And that over there is Paul, my brother, unfortunately." He grimaced at me and Landon. I could see a slight resemblance in the eyes, but that was about it. "He comes in here to listen to the music, that's about it. You can go back and sit next to him." Truth be told, I was scared to sit next to him. Judging by his outfit – black cargo pants and black t-shirt paired with converse and the scowl on his face that seemed permanent – he didn't seem nice at all. I deliberately sat down by him.

Maybe he was one of those kids who rebelled a whole bunch. Once I sat down he whispered to me, "Damn girl, what are you so worried about? I won't bite you." I flushed deep red. He laughed under his breath and whispered back, "This get-up is only for my parents. Don't you know the phrase; don't judge a book by its cover?" I looked at him for a second. He seemed nice now. "I'm sorry. I just…sorry." He nodded and grabbed a can of Coke from the cooler beside him. He offered me one and I took it. I needed caffeine. I hadn't actually slept at all last night. I kept having the same nightmare over and over again.

I turned my attention back to Landon. He smiled at me and started playing his guitar. It calmed me down. I love rock music. It's not always about the same thing. I wanted to sometimes sing along to the song, but I gladly didn't. When they started the chorus, I smiled. It was about getting lost and found again. I knew that concept so well, but for some odd reason, I was still lost.

Paul yelled something at me. "Landon talks about you." He screamed over the music. There was a guitar solo going on. "What about?" I yelled back. "Well, he doesn't talk about you per se. He also talks about your friends. He says they're kind. And he also says that there's this guy, Victor, who likes you, but you won't give him the time of day." I had no idea boys gossiped. Evidently, Landon and Paul did. "Oh yeah? Well he said you were a pothead and that you went to rehab?" He nodded and said, "I just got back a couple of weeks ago. I feel a huge deal better. I quit smoking pot and drinking. I was there for two years before they let me out." The music had stopped and we were still talking. I bobbed my head and pursed my lips. He took a sip of his Coke and stood up. He went outside.

Landon came up to me. He kneeled down and asked, "So, did you like it?" I removed the soda from my lips and said, "I loved it. You have to burn me a copy of all of your songs. You have no idea how much I loved it." He reached out for my hand and I took it. He helped me up and took me back downstairs where Mike and Melissa were waiting for me. Melissa's arms were crossed over her chest and Mike had his hands in his pockets. I raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, I was playing with the guys and we couldn't hear you." Melissa looked down at our hands. I hadn't realized I was still holding his hand. I pulled my hand out of his and walked over to them. Melissa smiled at Landon and we left. Melissa seemed a little tense when we got in the car. "What's wrong?" I asked her.

She turned around and glared at me for a few moments, and then sighed and turned back in her seat. "I apologize. I'm just a tiny bit mad at Jennifer for bringing up her son-in-law's death. I mean, she sounded so happy that he died. That is just so iniquitous of her."

"Sweetie, pick up your phone!" He instructed. Mike had this thing about being on a phone when driving; or when you're next to the person driving. "Hello? Oh no! Sure I'll be there by next week…No, I'm sorry I missed that. Hello? I think we're breaking up." She took the phone away from her ear and pressed the end button so hard I thought it was permanently going to stay pressed in. She turned up the music in the car and we drove home silent.

"No!" She wailed, as if picking up the wrong toy could destroy the world. I was babysitting Ebony's little baby sister along with her. I quickly picked up the other Barbie doll and handed it to her. She smiled happily and played with it. "Okay, so, I know you didn't only call me here to babysit Emily." She looked guilty and we sat on the long couch in her living room. She turned off Barney and started to talk. "I just really want to know how Jason is doing. I mean, I know you're really good friends with him and all so I thought you might know."

"I know as much as you know."

"Oh," She looked torn now.

"Eb, I know you loved him, but get over it. Love happens many times in life, he's not the last resort." Okay, I know I was being really insensitive, but I wasn't any good at this _love_ stuff. I'd given up on that a while ago.

"Maybe I should have called Cora, too. Maybe she knows something?" I shook my head. "She's been hanging out with Landon a lot lately, so he could ask her out. Remember yesterday at the Barbecue. She was all over him like the barbecue sauce spilled on Mrs. Burke." She threw her head back and laughed. Yesterday had not gone real smooth. Cora was stalking Landon and she had barbecue sauce on her tray, and she slipped over a wire hooked up to the speakers and fell on Mrs. Burke, my next door neighbor. She was so frantic, Mrs. Burke, I mean. She pushed Cora off her and ran out the yard.

She was well known on our street for being nuts. This theory was proved yesterday. "She got his number from Victor and now she has a plan all worked up."

"Gosh, she is so corny! It's like one of those movies in which a girl tries to spoof herself up so she can get the guy of her dreams to ask her to the prom. I mean, why change yourself if he doesn't like you the way you are? You will never be able to be you ever again!" We both laughed and then I heard Emily crying in the corner.

I stood up and attended to her. I grabbed her and cradled her in my arms and shushed her. She kept crying until she finally realized that her belly button was still there. Why did these little kids think they didn't have belly buttons like Kyle-XY? It was so stupid, but I had no idea what was going on in their brains. I slouched in the couch with Ebony. "Hey, guess what?" She questioned.

"I get to go home?" I suggested. She frowned and said, "No, I had actually forgotten to tell you that I know Landon." I raised my eyebrows and said slowly as if I was explaining this to an imbecile, "Eb, we all know him." She shook her head and continued, "No! I know him from school. He transferred to Houston junior year. He's secretive and he went out with Daisy Pickens for about a week, or until school ended. That was what I heard."

"Okay… And this is valuable information how?"

"I know that he likes to play it coy. He never tells anyone about himself."

He had told me though. He had told me a lot. Like his brother-in-law, his used-to-be pothead brother, his parents terrible, loveless relationship. He had let me in his life. I wonder why I couldn't let him in mine.

"Well, that could be useful information to Cora. I mean, she can try to pry some secrets out of him." Ebony nodded in agreement. "Okay, I only know how to make Mac-n-Cheese; you want some?" She asked me. I chuckled and followed her into the kitchen. "Okay, how is it going at home with you and your mom?" I sighed and took a bowl out from one of her cabinets. "I think it's going pretty well. She seems happier, you know. Like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. I feel free for some reason. I don't know why, though." She chortled and got the microwavable Mac-n-cheese cups from her pantry. "I can't really think of any other kid who has divorced parents and feels like you. You seem different to me, almost like you're finally coming back." I sighed and filled my cup with water and set the timer on the microwave.

"I don't know. I just…I don't know." She smiled at me and we sat down to eat once the food was ready. We also fixed some up for Emily. She was ecstatic and demanded to eat while watching the Rugrats. We let her just so she would get off our backs. "Come on Amber. You're laughing; smiling like a goof, running less, and I swear when I came over the other day while you were showering you sang a few notes. Don't lie to me, you're really changing." I look the other way, toward Emily, just to avert my eyes from her. Maybe she's right. I've changed a lot in the past couple of weeks. I'm coming out more. I've started to transform. My mood, my actions. You could see the color back in my face and the fear disappearing in my eyes. I grin at Ebony and nod at her theory. That I am revolutionizing. She pats my shoulder and clears the table. I help her out and then clean Emily up. "Why do these toddlers always have to eat with their hands and stick the food on their faces? If they just aim for their mouths, it would be a whole bunch easier to clean them up." I hear no answer from the kitchen. "Eb?" I ask. Still no answer. I stand up and walk in on Ebony and Jake from Blockbuster kissing like animals at the back door. I gasp and then Ebony pulls away. "Uh, Jake just came over to say hi."

"I see…" I walk away and can see them continuing with what they were doing before. I shiver at the closeness and then the memory comes right back while I take Emily upstairs for a bath

"No one's home." I say. He smiles one heck of a mischievous smile and takes my hand. We run into one of the unused rooms and start making out. His lips mold onto mine and we're just there. Nothing surrounding us. He slides out of his jacket and pins me to the bed. I giggle under his weight and he holds me tighter until I can't breathe. I gasp for air and he releases me slightly. His lips reach my neck and it tingles where he kisses me. They reach the hollow at the end of my neck and lingers there for a few moments. My hands remove themselves from his back and to the front of his white, button-down shirt. I unbutton it until his abs appear. He takes it off and then I realize what I'm about to do.

Am I really ready? No. Not yet. I stop all of a sudden and he does too. "What's wrong?" Adam asks. I crawl out from under him. His voice is raspy and so sexy and I can almost not resist. I snap back into reality and say, "Adam, I…I can't do this. Not yet, anyway." He sits up and stares at me for a few seconds. The time it takes him to answer me is agonizing. I feel embarrassed for saying anything. "Well, if that's how you feel…Let's just go watch a movie." Huh?

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was okay with it? I thought guys hated getting rejected in bed. I raise one eyebrow and he walks up to me and kisses it. "I don't mind Am. Yes, I am a sixteen-year old guy in a house alone with a beautiful girl, but that doesn't mean we have to have sex. I trust your judgment. I'm not one of those people who breaks up with people because they don't want to have sex."

I beam at him and he go over to the screen in the living room. We watch some random movie until my parents get home. The way he cradles my head in his lap the entire time lets me know how I really feel about him. I think I may love him.

"Landon? Are you there?" Cora asks from one line of the phone. She actually called him. Of course we were at a job and he was already here, but she still called him, but I doubt he answered, because I can see him in my vision serving crab cakes to the married couple. We were at the Hilton Hotel. I liked the revolving doors and the huge fountain in the lobby. The neon lights glow so brightly in the dark. And the sculpture of the man with a trumpet looks so real. I'm behind a podium, collecting names from people whom were invited. I had to make sure they were on the list. I guess these people got so paranoid after watching Wedding Crashers. Best movie ever. I check the people who are already here off the list. Cora's standing beside me on the phone, leaving a message. My stomach turn every time I hear that she likes him. I scan the room for Ebony and spot her serving cake to people who hadn't already eaten a piece. Her eyes lock on mine and I shift them over to Cora. She rolls her eyes and moves on.

"I think we've got a line behind you." I turn around to find Jason whispering in my ear. I nod and continue to take names. I occasionally hear more gossip, which is always fun.

"Her boobs are so fake…"

"Her seventeen-year old daughter got pregnant for the second time…"

"I swear he pays about a hundred bucks a night…"

That last one really disturbed me a little. After the night ended we packed up and everyone came over to my house to hang out. My mother's in euphoria right now, so she doesn't care. We all squeeze into the van and I'm half on Landon's lap. It takes about twenty minutes to get home. We all spill out and run into the house. Victor and Jason play pool in the garage and Ebony and Cora swim in the backyard pool. Landon and I stand there taking it all in. Why haven't I told him yet? Why haven't I told him about Adam? Maybe I should. I mean, how would it be harmful? "I need to see your computer for a minute." I nod and lead him up to my room. I show him the computer and he goes to work. I sit on my bed and just watch him. Watch the way his fingers stroke the keys every now and then. I watch the way his eyes glow with the light from the screen.

Why am I noticing all of this stuff? The sudden music blast takes me out of my observant stage. "This is what you listen to?" He's playing one of my favorite songs by Framing Hanley, Built for Sin. "Sing for me." He commands. I shake my head and the panic sets in my chest. I can't sing. Not now, not ever. I know I should keep moving forward, but without him here to cheer me on, is going to crush me. He stands up and takes my hands. "Come one. _You can scream out loud, but your panic falls on deaf ears. This is where you brought yourself. This is what you always feel…_" He stops to let me continue. But I don't of course. His voice echoes in my ears. So beautiful, so soothing. He changes the song to We Are Broken by Paramore. I begin to sing along with him. "_I am outside, and I've been waiting for the sun. With my wide eyes I've seen worlds that don't belong. My mouth is dry, with words I cannot verbalize. Tell me why we live like this. Keep me safe inside, your arms like towers, tower over me…_" He claps when he hears my voice finally coming out. I keep going, "_'Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore, our innocence and oh the promise we adore? Give us life again, 'cause we just wanna be whole…_" I smile up at him as he sings with me. The warmth that radiated through me feels like a warm spring day. It feels good to sings again. My voice almost sounds frenzied when I let those first few notes out.

Landon keeps singing until someone bursts into my room. It's Ebony. How could they have heard us all the way from the backyard? I look to the window and see that it's open.


End file.
